The Hamish Show - II

Finally

2008-11-27T21:56:00.002Z

Finally

Everything; In Transit

2008-09-21T12:10:00.000+01:00

Everything; In Transit

Blood

2008-08-19T16:15:00.000+01:00

Where is my blood right now? All the blood I have ever made and used and bled.

Some of is in the ground, spat out probably or stained on metal. Some of it is in other people, which is weird and unpersonal. Some of it's in me at the moment, only some of it though.

I don't know about the rest of it.

Where is all the blood I once made?

2008-08-19T15:09:00.002+01:00

Karloff Asks A Question

Hey Adam, what's that photo you keep on your wall?

That's where I was born.

I never found out where I was born.

Me neither. That reminds me of a story.

2008-08-19T12:59:00.004+01:00

Surprise: Content

Two days off sick plus the weekend, that's four days of not working and two days of throwing up.

Having a fever causes great dreams. I was sailing, and the sea had atlas markings like a giant compass and grid lines under the water. I sailed all the way to Georgia and saw the tanks rolling past the coast but they were made of paper.

Interesting!

I'm not in the swing of writing yet so I'm really forcing myself. I guess this is step one, maybe tomorrow I'll write a bit more.

2007-10-25T18:24:00.000+01:00

I suspect that this pattern was generated for a very special reason.

Perhaps the dead will walk the earth.

Metaphorically speaking.

2007-10-21T22:35:00.000+01:00

It's vanity, you sexy bitch!

Alright, internet?

Tomorrow, work will be different. I can see it now. I'll get up and beautify myself more than ever. Then I'll rollerskate to work blasting techno at the innocent and forcefeeding them Jerry Cornelius novels, I'd explain to them in a very patronising manner that I am smarter than them and then ask vague questions like "Why are you here?"

The walk only takes about 15 minutes (I'll allow myself 25 though, injecting my new lifestyle into people might take a little while.) But then I'll arrive at the office and I'll kick the door down to reveal myself glammed up like nothing before. Full make up with green and blue shimmering eyeshadow and pink lipstick. A bright yellow Flying V held over my awesome waiste length summer dress. Under this, I will probably where some drainpipes and black cowboy boots.

The intensity of my rock and roll haircut will cause the new guy (tomorrow will be his first day) to freak out and quit. "How did he get such mat texture and hold? Is that his real colour? it's so messy yet so shiny and awesome." He will undoubtably say to himself.

At this point I start my lecture on how to effectively 'fuck the system' which will be demonstrated in the form of a rave anthem, composed at my desk with a loop player and a microkorg.

Then I'll probably throw a TV out of the window and then engage in various occult activities.

After that, I'll have to do some work though.

2007-10-16T21:42:00.001+01:00

A short note to a girl, scrawled by a boy who is not as troubled as he likes to make out.

I turned your life into a novel suitable for a depressed young male like myself. I thought that having an interesting life story was more important that you having the life you wanted. Drama is so passé, man.

In regiments of orange glowing street light, I could only really address your distorted silhouette on the wet, black asphalt. Your hands are blue from the cold, like a cartoon and you've only got 6 nails left. I wonder, will I ever be attracted to a girl without a mental illness? Staring at your eyes, I wondered briefly if you reflected me in that sense, then looking black at the floor I decided that the silhouette is a much better metaphor for this. "Shadow am I, a question of a person but no said reply." I'll try to remember to write that down when we get home.

It's not that you take up all my time... but if the writing is alive, then what are you?

In my adaptation of your life I decided that I was going to get the main characters to break up at the end, but instead I decided that I wasn't a very ~~good~~ fantastic writer. The glamour and romance of being broken hearted was appealing in an very noir sense, all I really wanted was an excuse to self destruct and then methodically rebuild all my demons.

There's nothing rock and roll about falling apart. Everything that I had was not revealed to me in a sudden wave of realisation. It was, in fact, found at the bottom of a beer glass. What would you do next, I asked myself, if you let it all go again? Give yourself another new name? Move country? Change your sex? Look at your protagonist, you didn't need to write someone so perfect, she was already there.

So before we went home that night, we had to wait. "Why won't you look at me?" Followed by "I'm nervous." Followed by "Your hands are freezing." Followed by "What are we waiting for?" The timing wasn't perfect, but considering the odds I couldn't really have asked for more. Under the warm suburb glow of the street light, it started to snow, and so I kissed you.

And that's why I said it. Since you ask so nicely. What do you mean 'The End'?

2007-10-16T21:34:00.000+01:00

After 5 unpublished blog drafts, I have to wonder why I'm not writing to you.

2007-10-07T21:06:00.001+01:00

Ninty Nine
Karloff tells of a dead girl he met.

I'm going to have to assume it was 1998, so I'd been dead for fourty years. She died when she was 20 in 1980 so it worked out that we looked the same age even though she was six years old when I drilled a hole in my head. Kind of sick if you think about it man, it was quite an age gap. But you should have seen her face, you'd forget about that. I'm telling you, I didn't even care about the bullet hole.

Sublime. The smoothness of her skin, her green eyes, the gentle drip of her wound. Fuck man, I'm not a poet, but you get the idea.

She was lying on her back in the middle of a book store, smoking a cigarette. She had the soft magnetism of a girl who hadn't slept in days, you know what I mean? I think she was surprised to see me. A lot of people die but not many of them stick around to watch everyone else cop it. Anyway, I went over and lay down next to her, she was looking at me but she didn't smile which was unnerving, but she kept looking like she was waiting for me to answer a question she hadn't even asked.

"You don't read."

"I'm in a bookshop, aren't I?"

"That's what I can't figure out..."

"I read comic books."

"Aren't you a little old?"

"I'm about 50... So yeah. Smoking will kill you you know."

And then I got a smile, which was a huge fucking relief actually.

"So what do you read?" she evetually said,

"...The Invisibles," I said, as if it was actually really obvious. And then she let out like a half-laugh and said.

"I guess that was actually really obvious."

Maybe she can read my mind, I thought to myself. And then I picked her up and we both went out and got pissed.

You know what Karloff, don't let anyone tell you that you're not a master story teller. That's the best tale of true love I've heard in months.

2007-10-03T20:16:00.000+01:00

I wish to post something less wordy. I write a lot of obscure stuff that only really means anything to me personally. We need more stuff! When was the last time I even drew something. I've been looking at the stuff Fabio Moon and Gabriel Bá do... Man, I need to get back on the drawing game.

I also need to redesign the blog. That's always fun.

2007-09-30T22:40:00.000+01:00

Having lived and subsequently described my life using other peoples descriptions of life, it is a joy to realise a cliche in its first light.

Life moves too fast
Too live in the past
they tell you.

And this isn't usually understoond until you're having second thoughts about holding hostages at the bank. Three hours too late, I'm afraid. However, knowing how swift and accurate the SWAT teams are at cleaning up carbage like yourselve, you can't help but think about things. What if I'd just kissed her? What if I'd just ran away?

What it it is only money?

Three and half minutes to live! You crazy fucking criminal, how are you ever going to write your novel in this space of time? Write it on the backs of bank notes in plaster and ash, leave your legacy to the CSIs. Pay attention right now, this is experience that you can't buy.

So then what if you wake up in your bed and you realise that all of this was just a poorly constructed metaphore? Karloff, get my gun! I have some realisations to realise!

2007-09-17T09:03:00.000+01:00

On my walk to work today (about 30 mins ago) I followed breadcrumb trail consisting of an old video cassette of Bladerunner. This was about quater of a mile long. At the end of it was a crazy old man with one of those litter picking arm things, he was wearing a fishing hat and he snapped at me with the litter picker.

2007-09-10T21:02:00.000+01:00

Hey Hamish, how were you born?

Throught the barrell of a gun.

Me too, man... me too.

Hey Karloff, did you die at war?

No... you know I didn't. I killed myself.

In the 60s.

Yeah.

With a chisel.

Yes.

Karloff, for a bad dream, you're surprisingly pleasant. A little gross to look at, but that's okay.

Thanks.

Are are you sure you didn't die in war?

No mate, I'm not.

You're not what?

I meant I wasn't sure. It was meant to-

Oh

-It was meant to sound profound but now you've fucked it up. It was like a statement about my inner war.

Sorry.

Ernest Gordo

2007-09-10T20:46:00.000+01:00

Ernest Gordon and a semester abroad.

If I was a prisoner of war I'd cry every night but then slowly transform like a story until people would tell other people that someone once told a friend that someone else got in my way and I ripped their eyelashes off. Then I'd storm the main gate and die in a hail a bullets. My name would possibly forgotten, depending on the attentiveness of my prison-mates or how catchy my prison nickname is. I don't really mind what is, so long as it ends with "The Knife". Or starts with "Crazy Eyes"

However, I'm not in prison and I do not exist. Not in a permanent sense, I'm more like the flame on a match or a cigarette lighter. I've always felt like I was meant to destroy the world. All small flames have the same desire, we want to burn more. On a related note, my name means "The Son Of Defilement".

"Man wants chaos. In fact, he's got to have it. Depressions, strife, riots, murder, all this dread. We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction."

That's all very nice but quite wrong. If you'd be paying attention, Linklater, you'd know that self destructive man just wants everything to stop.

On an unrelated note, I can't stop dreaming of Nikola Tesla.

2007-08-26T11:34:00.000+01:00

How doth the little crocodile
Or, childrens allegory is so very easy.

"I've been thinking about life after death," said a wee wiggley caterpillar. "What if instead of just not existsing, we turn into something else?"

"Like what?" said a friendly friend of the caterpillar. "You don't believe those crazy caterpillars who says you that you become very beautiful and grow wings and get to live in a giant garden?"

"No," said the first caterpillar. "That does seem so very unlikely. I don't believe in stuff like that."

And that settled it. The two caterpillars decided that they would not live on after they died and they could not pissbly turn into something that they couldn't understand.

The End.

So what do you think, could I sell this tale to christian magazines? I think they'd love it and I'd make money. I wonder if there's much money to be made in inspiring faith in God...

Добро пожаловать

2007-08-23T17:22:00.000+01:00

2007-08-18T22:52:00.000+01:00

You've killed, just as I have, Adam. Are we really so different?

Actually Karloff, I never killed anyone. Also, you're bleeding again.

Thanks. But think about it Adam, have you really not killed anyone... really?

Seriously man, I've never killed anyone.

Never mind then dude. Forget I said it.

Okay... why, who did you kill?

A sailor.

On purpose?

Yeah.

Jesus... no wonder you killed yourself.

Haha, shit... I killed myself as well. I didn't think about that. Do you think it counts?

Dunno. It's not as bad as killing sailors though. Or one sailor, singular.

Psh, self defence. Hey, why is the text so small?

Because we're bloody off the rail mate, innit.

Fuck yeah.

Apocalypse Now (relatively)

2007-08-18T13:10:00.000+01:00

The star that I pseudo-bought went supernova today.

Or more accurately, it went supernova close to ten million years ago.

Turns out the star was actually some sort of "gaseus super-planet" and collapsed under its own awesomeness has more than likely become a visciously destructive black hole by now. I can only apologise to galaxy NGC 7742 and the Pegasus constellation.

In a way I'm glad that it's dead. I couldn't really claim ownership of it in the first place but it would have sucked more if there had been intelligent life there. They might have been angry.

Apparently it ran out of fuel in its core and something happened to the hydrogen. Haha, silly planets.

2007-08-17T20:40:00.000+01:00

Girls who like boys who like boys to be girls.

This blog post was previously called "Fucking Symmetrical." But I liked both titles in equal amounts and in the end I opted for the title that had the most use of the word "like" because it's always good to like things.

Unless you like murdering!

Get ready for social commentary, because God knows I don't have anything interesting or profound to tell you. But maybe that's profound in itself. Or I hope it is, because I can't think of any jokes.

What if I was genie? Would you get your wish from me? Am I some sort of treasure in a cave or am I just waiting to twist your words and magically remove your hands or penis or both?

What if I was a boat? Would the captain go drown on my deck when I eventually sink? Or is he smarter than that, what if there's life for the thing that controls me, even after I sale head first into an iceberg because I bloody hate icebergs... those bastards.

What if I was an accordion? Don't play like that, man.

What if I was the next cow to die from foot and mouth? If I knew, would I make out with the hottest cow in the field just to spread the disease in the most rock and roll way I knew? Or would I do my duty as a cow and walk bravely into the voltage?

What if I was a door without a key or a field without a fence? Would you find another way out? Another way in? What about the closed book that I apparently am? It's not rocket science to open a book, is it?

What if I was a song that was about to end? It's never going to be like the first time you heard me. What if you know the words by heart and I'm overplayed? Am I a classic?

What if I was a librarian and a secretary’s son?

What if I was medicine? Why did you take me, was I needed? And why, because you need me to make you better? Or because you want me to make you a better person? Or you need me to make you feel normal. I hope I'm a pink pill like some of those painkillers, pink pills are so presentable, like radios.

What if I was God? Would I let you work it out for yourself because your ability to fuck up greatly outweighs my ability to guide you?

What if I was a dog? I'd be a husky. Mans best friend. Maybe I'd be a wolf. People are afraid of wolves. No one is afraid of me. I wouldn't hurt anyone but I'd love to see the look on their faces. Psych, I'm not really going to eat you. You can't say that as a human.

What if I was a scientist? Would I ever wonder why I didn't spend more time learning how to make techno beats instead of theorising on small chaotic reactiony things that no one can see? I'd probably remind myself that you can't see techno either and that the reaction to it is also chaotic. I'd probably be more techno than I first thought.

And what if I was a techno superstar. Oh wait, I already am! How embarrassing.

What if I was the weather? Would I warn you of the great flood? And how? You’d just complain about the rain you probably wouldn't notice the Morse code in the raindrops. "Build a fort of sandbags. Sorry about the damage".

What if I was the score? No, that's too abstract, it would be silly to say that my appearance and statistics change as the game goes on. The score doesn't lie either. That's not me.

What if I was running out of stuff to write and getting distracted because of a bite on my cheek? What if I wasn't really happy about the last 3 paragraphs? What if I wanted to write so much more but really lack the motivation?

Intellectual Comedy

2007-07-15T11:35:00.000+01:00

Sheets Of Salty Wood

2007-07-07T16:38:00.000+01:00

That's a nice title.

It's been a week since I wrote last because I've had a cold which paralyzed my fingers. You can't type with paralyzed fingers.

'Live Earth' is on today and pop stars are going to save the world! The whole show was enough to make me unplug my phone charger but I still have my computer turned on and I'm about to drive in my non-hybrid car. I think I need more peer pressure.

During the week, one of the headlines was that Captain America is dead... that struck me as odd. Because he's not real, you see...? All you've done is give away the ending of that story. Dumbledore didn't have his funeral in the newspaper.

Sorry if you were planning on reading Harry Potter.

I also wanted to mention bottled water, because summer is here and people are drinking it again. Tap water is better for you that bottled water, and it's free. You don't have to pay for it. If you buy bottled water, you are more or less being robbed. That's what I think, anyway. It is actually better for you, I didn't make that up.

2007-06-30T22:52:00.000+01:00

Just saw this on my teletext.

"Film: On The Line
A man falls in love with a
beautiful girl. Comedy starring
Lance Bass (2001)"

Sounds like cinematic gold.

Drink Instinct

2007-06-23T19:11:00.000+01:00

You can take that maths to the bank, Motherlovers.

I haven't be able to type very well today since I tried to waterproof my shoes. And I mean really waterproof my shoes. I used that spray but I forgot to open a window... headaches insued but man, I bet my shoes could float with me still in them. They're so waterproof they actually repel water. I could part the red sea just by being near it. Am I prophet yet? Was Moses even a prophet?

On the downside again though, my shoes were already water damaged when I sprayed them, so that was a bit of a waste...

Okay, down time to business. I came up with a flawless (and I mean flawless) money making scheme. And it's as easy as becoming a successful actor! All I'm going to do is make 10 pilot episodes to 10 different sitcoms. All I have to pay for are the tapes, I'm sure friends will be willing to act for me. Then I'll send them off, if they are liked then I'll get money to make a series. If they are hated then I'll tape over the original pilots with more pilots!

Genius!

p.s. comments fixed? maybe?

2007-06-23T12:06:00.000+01:00

"do you know what i mean when say new-rave?
because i don't...
but i heard about it"
-Forrest Kline

This isn't New Rave, I don't know what that is either. I just remember Forrest saying those words once. But this is my two minute homage to punk rock using the medium of synth pop with only two copywrites broken.

Yes, that's right, two. New Record? I think so... I think so.

2007-06-21T15:54:00.000+01:00

I know what you're looking for!

Human break milk for vegens. Or, HuMoo.

I thought that was a bad way to sell it. Vegans don't harm animals anyway, they don't need to sell special humane milk to them. How about, Human Breast Milk for cow milk lovers? For all you know, those cows wanted that milk and/or didn't like the udder pumping experience.

Okay, so it may not be for real. But is there really anything wrong with drinking breast milk? That's not rhetorical, I'm just curious. I wish I had some.

How Lucky Do You Feel?

2007-06-17T20:26:00.000+01:00

I had some light hearted stuff I was going to put up here today but then I felt guilty after watching this video and realising that I probably wasn't going to spread the word even after the narrator made it perfectly clear that spreading the word is as easy as copying and pasting.

So there you are. A Sports Racers idea about Global Warming, which is something I don't usually talk about due to ignorance. I found myself actually agreeing with the man, instead of just thinking that I agree because he made a diagram with smiley faces. Usually, that would just win me over, hands down.

The most I usually talk about it is "The Great Flood", Which is the fictional consequence of global warming that I made up. Probably as some reference to the rising sea level. And even then, I worked out that I would survive it anyway.

Also, my dog is barking, which means there is a storm coming.

Roll The Tapes (and rest awhile)

2007-06-12T23:05:00.000+01:00

For I have a made a music for you! A music!

The story behind this is a good one. Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy turned up drunk at my door and asked to borrow my accordion, I said he couldn't borrow it but I'd help him with whatever it was he needed it for. We knocked out this little do-over of one of his songs.

Not one of my favourite songs actually. But hey, it's not like I chose it and lied about the whole thing!

Changing the subect slightly; uploading stuff has become easier over the years, but I didn't know until know how hard (or impossible) it is to align embedded things! Does anyone know how? Will someone teach me?

Seriously, I've been doing this about half an hour. And in the end I had to make it 396 pixels wide just so it was centered.

Adventures Of Fruit

2007-06-11T16:33:00.000+01:00

The apple realises that his life has taken some irreversable turns.

Never mind. A lot of people like apple juice. I prefer some sort of tropical blend. Actually I don't even know what my favourite juice is. I leave in in the hands of the juice bar guy.

I've been trying to think of something funny to write which would conclude this posts successfully but there isn't anything.

Surprise! I just wrote a small paragraph about my juice preference! Coming soon: content.

The Evolution Of Boy

2007-06-10T18:39:00.000+01:00

I always thought that my blog needed more picture content. I have decided to draw much more. I will also include photos, videos, songs and stories. Everything you need to successfully play without injury.

Which means, of course, that I needed to sort out my layout. Now it's more more presentable and nice.

Proposition III

2007-06-06T18:20:00.000+01:00

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHA...

This layout sucks.

Kind of wish I hadn't already deleted the old one.

Proposition II

2007-06-06T14:32:00.000+01:00

Haha, awesome. Click here to see the fairly bland but informative conversation on what my layout is going to look like.

This actually wont take long if I start now.

Proposition

2007-06-04T14:15:00.000+01:00

You may have noticed me struggling to blog. So I came up with a most excelllent, excellent idea.

Now I love this layout that I ~~made~~ stole. But as Oscar Wilde wrote, "Each man kills the thing he loves" or something. So I'm going to sign in to MSN Messenger and ask someone what my new layout should be and I will create the first suggestion I get.

I hope it doesn't suck.

Updates in maybe 15 minutes.

TOS Punk!

2007-05-23T11:52:00.000+01:00

Do you think it's against the blogger terms of service to link you to every single episode of thundercats?

It seems strange, because I never really liked Thundercats that much. It's not like I'm taking a bullet for something I love or anything. I might watch an episode or two, but it's not really my kettle of fish.

If this was X-men the animated series or maybe Ninja Turtles thing would be different.

Anyway. If you liked Thundercats as a kid, please enjoy.

Edit: Woah, I gotta take that back. That intro was 3 minutes of hardcore awesome complete with flashing lights, monsters, backflips and an awesome 80s syth rock band. You gotta check that out.

I am Jack's pleasant surprise.

2007-05-14T11:51:00.000+01:00

I bought it and it's actually really cool. Which is fortunate because Haunted and Diary were actually a bit lame. And everyone said The Raw Shark Texts was the next Fight Club? That book was 5 or 6 established cult Hollywood movies rolled into one hardback. It's awesome though, it's like if Dan Brown wrote good books. But Rant is the new Fight Club for realz, man. Probably something to do with it being the same author...

Also, is there a doctor/hypochondriac in the house? Nothing tastes right. That's not to say that everything tastes a little off. Bacon tasted like maple and coffee tasted like turkish delight.

Byte The Soundwich

2007-05-11T19:18:00.000+01:00

Took me 2 minutes to think of that. Bow to my wordplayer, nerds.

Synthpop is fun but it's beginning to lose it pop edge. Listening to all of the tracks, not many of them really sound like pop songs. More like what a rock band would write if guitars hadn't been invented and if the 80s was 27 years long instead of the standard 10.

I was meant to record something today but I didn't due to lack of ability to find the right recording equipment. I was working on my slowest song, which over the last few hours has hit a double-time section and is now my fastest song... I called it 'I Am Dorian Gray' and it looks like this:

If you click the picture then it gets bigger.
The internet is magic or something.

If your mind thinks in red lines and colourful samples then you'll know for a fact that that sound awesome.

Another track I am working on is named 'Hey Lacey', and I've struggled relentlessly to split vocals from and already existing song so I could steal them and use them in my own but I eventually gave in to the fact that I don't know how to do that. So if you happen to be Jesse Lacey then I was thinking of borrowing your vocals. Call me, dude.

Also my back hurts and I'm on my pain killer max... unless I switch brands... which I probably will. The box says nothing about taking additional tablets of a different kind. I feel like Dr. House would approve of this.

Werd.

2007-05-10T14:51:00.000+01:00

Hello!

I promise to blog tomorrow night and I'll be back on track.

Unless I go out or something. But then I'll probably do it in the day time! There's always a solution to stuff like that.

So tomorrow, it's a date. I'll do it. Unless you guys want to do it for me...

My username is: adam.tenex
My password is: XVItower

I'm trusting you, internet. Don't let me down.

And in the choir I saw a sad messiah,

2007-05-04T11:41:00.000+01:00

He was bored and tired of my laments, he said I died for you one time but never again.

I ran out of words to write in my blog. Incidentally, it means that I have been able to write a lot of synth pop. This is easily written if you pretend to be a troubled writer constantly tormented by the notes he writes. I'm not that bad yet, so I have to pretend.

And until I have 2 or 3 more songs to present, blogging is slow.

Encouraging Spam.

2007-03-26T00:02:00.000+01:00

"I opened my mouth to verbally assassinate him. Then closed it. It had somewhere. Can we take that break now and wait for the reports? Power, Power, Power will win the day Dead? I croaked. Floyd knelt and felt the pulse in his neck. about him. The door alarm went off. halt. large, red brick room that could have been a mirror-image of the one So thats what they look like. I never What do we want to do? As I said-its time for a decision. Do we all Each word shot through my head like a rusty arrow, grating and CHAPTER 7 it. Thanks. shrugged him off. Jim, he said. The bunch of us are going to stroll little explanation is very much in order. most inspiring opening. About a thousand suntanned bodybuilders drove We looked on dumbfounded as men and women were clubbed to the ground, crunch. sword into the dirt and stepped back. But was ready to grab it in an late and suddenly, overwhelmingly, felt like doing a little pushing."

That's so cool, I just wish a knew what it meant!

On A Roll

2007-03-17T18:50:00.000Z

There's been a lot of Christian bashing here at The Hamish Show. It's been funny in many ways and while I'll have to stop it soon before I get classed as a hate criminal by various Christian associations (which would be awesome, by the way, even if it is unlikely), I'm not going to stop yet.

If you remember the video where that guy was debunking evolution and I said that if you made a tally for every time he talked crap then you'd fill a page? Do you rememeber? Do you remember these things?

Well with this one, you're going to run out of paper! Run out of paper from your entire house or place of work! I'm serious, prepare yourself.

Did you count how many things were either wrong or just stupid? Mirror and flip the arabic for 666? Do you listen to your CDs backwards for satanic messages too? More importantly though, flip and mirror it all you want, it doesn't look anything like it.

Christians! - The bitter, bitter return.

2007-03-13T19:42:00.000Z

I liked the last lot of quotes. They made me laugh. But these are slightly more worrying, from fstdt.com.

"AIDS is caused by immoral behavior, not by a virus."

"Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them."

"I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie"

"You got it backwards. Creationism is based upon science, reason and tons of evidence. Evolution is based on the blind acceptance of superstitions and fairy tales."

"I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty."

"several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years."

"But God don't talk in Arabic. He talks in a REAL language, namely, English."

"I honestly don't care about your rights. If it were up to me, all Atheists would be burnt at the stake and or cast into a river with weights tied to their ankles and or placed before the firing squad, etc etc etc."

"If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol"

""Me and my husband is thinking about having a baby, but hestitate, because his brother (which we have no contact with whatsoever) is presumably gay. Might this affect the baby? Is there some precautions I can take, or some medicaments I can eat to make sure my child is pure?"

And finally, a long one you can read to scare your children.

"Seriously, does anybody ever cry at an Atheist's funeral?

I mean, since Atheists have no value whatsoever as human beings (they're not even human, but only inhuman animals), since Atheists are nothing but miserable Liars, Cowards and Murderers, after all, why would anybody in their right mind weep over the dead rotting corpse, or bone chips and ashes (that get mixed together with those of
others from the crematory) of a worthless dead Atheist?

And what epitaph do you engrave on an Atheist's grave marker? "Here lies the only good Atheist, which is a dead Atheist". What else is there say? Nothing at all. No last words, no last rites, no flowers, no anything.

Every time an Atheist dies, the world is better off as a result of that dead Atheist being dead, & its damned God-forsaken soul burning in the fiery pits of Hades. :)

Which begs another related question, do Atheists cry at funerals? If so, why? Since Atheists hate God, and they hate Family, and they hate Country, who are they crying for? It is true: The only good Atheist is a dead Atheist."

Christians!

2007-03-04T00:14:00.001Z

You heard me. Friendly, peaceful, loving and kind Christians. I will make fun of them. And the fun will be made in the following way: quotes from across the internet. Observe and enjoy.

"I don't agree to disagree. People who are against abortions are wrong, and I'm right. It's a simple fact."

"Whether one likes it or not, ghosts and the like are demonic, or demonic manifestations some may wish not at accept it but that does not change the fact."

"For example, without Scripture you have no way of determining the nature of the universe."

"as i stated before it wasent actualy scientific proof. It is proof acording to mine and 40 other peoples experiance that night. 40 people cant all have been wrong."

"Fags are still sick and twisted child molesting, disease ridden perverts.
This is a truth and no court in the world will convict me for speaking it.

"it is entirerly possible for the earth to have had saturn-like rings of ice all around it, and more water in the atmosphere, causing a warmer climate and less radiation from the sun coming to hit earth. this could be a factor in the people before the flood supposedly living much longer."

"[re: 'in the bible it says in genises that god created us out of dirt, notice how all of our skin tones match the soil of earth?']

As for that one dirt thing, there is a brance of biology which has shown that every part of your body is made from simple red clay...now that is cool."

"Instead of the question of being born gay or straight, do you even remember being born? There is not a single person on the face of this planet that can remember being born. This fact alone blows the "born gay" theory completely out of the water."

"I don't think it is any stretch of the imagination to think that God could have created the oil deposits in the process of making earth."

"There is evidence that dinosaurs used to help man build the pyramids and the other wonders of the earth, including Noah’s ark."

"Uh...Islam is false; Christianity isn't."

""Also, on the issue of giants, there is quite a lot of evidence giants did exist. Perhaps you are just unaware of the evidence?"

""The truth is, I do not entirely understand killing an innocent man for our crimes [jesus, i assume] either (but I never claimed that my beliefs were philosophicly justifiable) I am just gratefull that it is true."

"I find it amazing that everyone who is pro-choice...ironically has *already* been born and not aborted..."

And on that incredably stupid note, I leave you.

Anna and Russell

2007-02-26T20:07:00.000Z

Every weekday after the channel 4 news they show a three minute documentary. Every week has a different theme. I remember one, a few weeks back, was just three minutes of footage of cows.

The theme this week is the war on terror. Specifically: stories of seperation via the war on terror.

Todays documentary was really something. Which is quite vague seeing as everything is something. But I can't specifically say what the thing is. It's probably more than one thing. Anyway, I wanted to put it on the ol' blog. The only thing I could find was a link to an mp4 file from channel four dot com so I will link you to that.

link.

I never really hear anyone describe the war apart from on the news. But I grew up paranoid, believing that the news is lying to me. I don't like the army, but I like people and I sympathise with this man and his unique attitude to it all which I suppose I will never really be able to understand.

You Are Wrong

2007-02-26T18:50:00.001Z

This a Christian educational video. Part of a series called Chatting With Charley which is not only pro-christian, but anti-science. I enjoyed watching it, it was good. I even made a game out of it. Every time Charley said something that was either wrong, stupid or made absoultely no sense I marked a tally on a piece of paper. You should play this game too. If you played it properly, your piece of paper should look something like this:

[nota bene: this image may be an exaggeration of your actual results.]

Titled

2007-02-21T00:20:00.000Z

Britney gets a hair cut.

That's not news. Or at least it's not news for an entire week.

Besides, it's none of our business.

Comming soon: Real blogging on my part.

Daxflame

2007-02-17T10:39:00.000Z

At first I didn't know what he was. But now I get it.

This here kid is the embodiment of Andy Kaufman and is also hilarious. I wasn't sure at first, I thought the kid might be unique and strangely talented for his age, sucking them into his world and better yet, after having them call him retarded and weird they leave comments on his videos saying "This is fake" and "you are a fraud" as if the show was never for them.

I wasn't certain that the kid was the embodiment of Andy Kaufman until I saw the bongos... but then it was obvious.

I suggest you all watch Daxflame's videos and enjoy them.

I'll be honest with you, guys.

2007-02-14T15:55:00.000Z

That's not how you spell Google... I mean... y'know, that just says Googe.

Googe!

However, in dolphin related news, dolphins are now allowed to join the navy. This is a real picture of a dolphin security guard. But I'll be honest with you guys again. I've misconstrued the story a little bit, and deliberately so. But don't go thinking that dolphins aren't in the Navy. Because they are. Sealions too. Read story. Learn.

M. Cali

2007-02-12T19:30:00.000Z

"If you dance with the devil, the devil don’t change. The devil changes you."

Sounds like it should have been said by someone a little more poetic and real than old Max California.

[Post script - what the hell is this post about?]
[ Jaoquin Phoenix? Really?]
[ ... Okay.]

Today as for my name it is Hamish.

2007-02-12T18:13:00.000Z

'You keep out of their way. There are too many secret societies out there, and they have no loyalties and no love. Commercial, independant, government, they're all in the same boat. They range from the barely competent to the deeply dangerous. Hey, old wolf, I heard a joke you'd like the other day. How do you know the cIA weren't involved in the Kennedy Assassingation?'

'I've heard it,' said Wednesday.

There are accounts which, if we open our hearts to them will cut is too deeply. Look - here is a good man, good by his own lights and the lights of his friends: he is faithful and true to his wife, he adores and lavishes attention on his little children, he cares about his country, he does his job punctiliously, as best he can. So, efficiently and good-naturedly, he exterminates Jews: he appreciates the music that plays in the background to pacify then; he advises the Jews not to forget their identification numbers as they go into the showers - many people, he tells them, forget their numbers, take the wrong clothes, when they come out of the showers. This calms the Jews: there will be life, they assure themselves, after the showers. And they are wrong. Our man supervises the detail taking the bodies to the ovens; and if there is anything he feels bad about, it is that he still allows the gassing of "vermin" to affect him. Were he a truly good man, he knows, he would feel nothing but joy, as the earth is cleansed of its pests.

Leave him; he cuts too deep. He is too close to us and it hurts.

Kaufman

2007-02-07T17:24:00.000Z

More from my idol. The careful art of not being funny? Maybe... Or maybe he was just very very strange.

E.g. scooters, vacation, fall

2007-02-05T12:03:00.000Z

I am drinking a cup of tea.

It is my first ever real cup of tea. Because I generally don't like it. But today I'm drinking it. Coffee was making me bleed. Also, I heard about someone who drank 30 cups a day. An artist, obviously.

Last night I made a post about how great My Chemical Romance are. While I still like their new album, I don't think them enough to give them an entire post complete with video.

I hear Britian has bird flu again. I haven't heard it on the news yet, but they probably just don't want to worry anyone.

I don't like sports but recently I like baseball. I can't think of a joke for this statement though.

More importantly, Dan Akroyd said that he's going to make Ghostbusters 3. This will be a terrible movie but I'm glad it's being made. It's going to be CGI, weird or what?

Forget That

2007-02-01T13:40:00.000Z

This looks more like Mind Control to me.

That's the full movie of Jesus Camp by Grady and Ewing. Kind of scarey but lots of unintentional laughs.

[edit: Too slow! The video is gone! Actually, it's probably not gone... you could probably still search for it on Veoh. But it's not linked from here anymore. Take that copywrite law!]

[edit: dear copywrite law, please don't check the archives for this page]

Wield A Hoof Pick

2007-02-01T13:05:00.000Z

Is it at all wrong to be totally attracted to Daniel Radcliffe in his role in Equus?

Before you judge... because he's a 17 year old boy and whatnot. Check him out.

Just me?

blog

2007-01-30T14:23:00.000Z

'Fraid

2007-01-26T17:01:00.000Z

Watching these two videos and reading this article makes me slightly more afraid of the world.

They're not in any way related, except that they all take place in America. But you can't blame America, just the people. And everyone is a person (to the best of my knowledge) which means I am afraid of everyone.

Everyone!

Australia is quite funny.

2007-01-23T16:44:00.000Z

And this is a funny show. But some of this must be staged, right?

Don't Be Silly

2007-01-18T18:25:00.000Z

Checking my e-mail earlier I noticed an advert against smoking in case accidents happen. It looked a little summit like this.

No there are so many things wrong with this. To start with, the whole conversationg is just weird. If anyone really talks like this then they are a rare breed. The intent of the ad is very vague, anything could have caused that fire. He could have been doing anything really. And why on earth would he write out his panics on a messenger program let alone take the time to use little pictures. And why would he wait for... you know what? I'm not even going to continue.

But my main concern was that this advert was warning you against accidents. By definition, this fire happened accidentally and so the ad isn't warning you against anything you stand a chance against. Anyone who puts out a cigarette obviously thinks that they've put it out properly. It's like warning someone that they could fall over at any moment and there's nothing they can do about it.

I have submitted my own version of the advert to the people who made it in the first place. I eagerly await their reply. What do you think?

In The Wrestling Match. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

2007-01-16T12:11:00.000Z

Last night I watched Man On The Moon again.

Man, that film can really make me cry if it wants to. And it's not even that sad. The thing about Andy Kaufman is that he's probably one of the worst idols and heroes you could ever have. Yet he's my idol and hero.

For a while, I was one of the few who was niave enough to think that Andy Kaufman was probably still alive. He was obsessed with faking his own death. It wasn't a surprise that when a 35 year old non-smoking, healthy man contracted lung cancer that no one believed him.

It was either bad luck or a bigger stunt than most people realise. Not to make people think that he's dead, but to make people think he was alive, even after being dead for 23 years.

Anyway, here's some Youtube Kaufman goodness.

Evolve This!

2007-01-14T13:09:00.000Z

I found out today that we may have discovered micro organisms on Mars and then accidentally killed them.

Which is great.

Try to evolve into a higher being now! Or, if you're religious, try to magically become a higher being now! Score one for the earth man.

This is like War Of The Worlds only accidental and in a petri dish.

Which is a good decription for anything, I think. Like War Of The Worlds only accidental and in a petri dish.

In other death related news Robert Anton Wilson has become dead. I'm quite amazed by how grounded he is about everything. To quote him in his last days, "Various medical authorities swarm in and out of here predicting I have between two days and two months to live. I think they are guessing. I remain cheerful and unimpressed." I often wonder how different the world must have looked through his eyes compared to mine. I'm amazed that he wasn't completely insane as he left. Kudos for that.

Postcards From The Road Back To Home, But Really Not Like This At All.

2007-01-13T12:19:00.000Z

Last time Teigan sent me a postcard the batteries on my camera ran out and I couldn't document the occassion. This time around though, the same thing happened. I got around the problem (both times) by using a grainy web camera. Here, enjoy with your eyes.

This is the card. The father and son ar on a train, the child has a box with tenicles coming out of it. The father speaks to the son.

"That's some cephalopod, son." Are his exact words, probably refering to the cephalopod in his box. The cephalopod in this case, is probably some sort of octopus. But these things are unimportant. Here is the back.

No normal human could ever decode such a mess. Here's a transcript.

"Best wishes from Manchester & Happy New Year! Hope you had a good one & a good Xmas also. LJ & I took ecstacy on N.Y.E & went to a club with burlesque dancers. The day before that we went to a Revisionist Gnostic Mass put on by a schizmatic branch of the O.T.O. Everything has been very good in general. I got this card from a shop in town also selling magical novelties, DVD [something, looks like rewtal, it's anyone's guess], Rekkids [?] & really good baked potatoes. [what shop was this!?] Sorry not to catch up although I will be in London on the night of the 9th if this gets to you in time for that, which I realize it probably wont. Fond regards & best for 2006 xx Teigan."

There was also a tiny note scrawled from LadyJ.
"Hi Adam! Sorry we didn't catch up during T's visit. Now you'll have to come to Melbourne! j"

Yes, I will have to come to Melbourne. Thank you for the card.

Number 720637610

2007-01-11T15:57:00.000Z

"I'm losing more people now. It's going to hit me like a speeding truck on a slick road and I'm the deer in the headlights. I don't know whether to laugh at the absurdity of it all or bang my head against a wall until my eyeballs pop out.

I'm fucked."

From Grouphug.us, number 720637610.

I'm almost fascinated with these 4 little sentences. What on earth could they have been talking about? Secrets and lies, maybe. Probably relationships. Maybe guilt. Knowing would ruin it though. I like this confession just the way it is.

Pictures In A Column

2007-01-11T15:51:00.000Z

This episode of Prison Break took longer than neccessary to load.

This dog is sleeping or is dead.

This is my bed. It had a belt on it. And some jeans.

This is Britney Spears as a mermaid.

This Is Mind Control

2007-01-10T12:24:00.000Z

If We're Keeping Score: Natural Born-Liar

2007-01-10T02:07:00.000Z

I have less OCDs than ever. In fact, I convulse obsessively about very few things.

One that I have not been able to shake however is lying. I am a fully fledged diagnosed compulsive liar.

I often wonder If I'm nowhere near compulsive lying (as the diagnosed part was actually a lie) and I'm just a small time liar lying about being a big time liar.

Either way, this here article is a little double glazed and cosy window in my mind.

She thinks I'm much too thin.

2007-01-09T14:42:00.001Z

She asks me if I'm sick.

I think personally that I always look sick. As far as I know, I'm not. At the very least I don't have any blood diseases. Or if I do, they have come along within the last few months. I haven't had any piercings or injections but I did smash my face on some very unclean metal and settled for treating myself as my nurse was quite unwilling to cooperate with the fact that me or any of my friends couldn't drive to the hospital. It was alright, but I got a scar.

I couldn't sleep very well last night. I tried reading Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. Then I tried reading Robert Anton Wilsons Cosmic Trigger. Then I tried reading The Rum Diary by Hunter S. Thompson. None of them sent me to sleep so I raked my zen garden, considered playing computer games but decided to listen to pianos. It was all very good.

I had a dream that air was running out so we had to buy it and install it in our houses. The higher classes were fast tracked where as the the lower classes struggled. The dream was vivid enough that I recall a newspaper saying that the last of The Projects had become a ghost town and the bodies were likely not to be recovered but simply built over. This is also where the dream ended, on top of a very tall British council flat as I realised that no one in my city was alive anymore. Everyone lived in London where they would eventually be relocated to America because they had all the money.

It's good when you have a dream that you can turn into a film and become rich and afford air when it starts running out.

Regress

2007-01-07T15:44:00.000Z

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Famous Executor of Sacrifices.

Where You Lived: Cyprus.

How You Died: Dysentery.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

With such scientific ways of discovering my past life readily available, It would be a shame not to know.

Everything In Transit

2007-01-07T12:03:00.000Z

Those are the words scrawled under my keyboard.

I have taken to writing on my desk as a way to remember things. Actually writing with pencil on the wood. It started off that I would only wright on the side. The right hand side, next to some old concert tickets. But now there are words everywhere. Little notes and lists and reminders of stuff that I have to do or remember and have no hope of doing or remembering without.

Everything In Transit is the name of the album I was listening to while walking the dog yesterday but the meaning of writing it down was a reminder of how to deal with a certain thing. I wrote it under my keyboard for fun, so that next time I used my computer I was read it and be like, "Yeah, everything is in transit."

You guys should try it.

I tried trying to try avoiding a due hangover and it actually kinda worked. In the past few years I have sharpened my abilities to drink a pint of water in a few seconds. The skill is handy for nothing except forcing fluids into your body. I woke up with only a small headache but my jeans were still very beer-smelling and I had a packet of Cadburys turkish delight by my bed, which I am now eating. Yum, right?

I'm also trying another thing. I'm trying to find a time at which me and two of my friends can give blood tomorrow. It's easier said than done. And I don't want to miss another blood party. Last time I missed one I received letters and phonecalls politely reminding me that they are taking blood at the Jarvis Hotel next week. One phone call person even said "I'm just calling to confirm that." As if I'd blooked myself in.

I'm telling you, once you give blood, you never stop giving. And that's not a metaphore.

Stupid common blood type...

Card

2006-12-24T12:40:00.000Z

From Hamish

Story Time

2006-12-19T14:12:00.001Z

I got a card.

It was from Teigan.

I had a grilled cheese sandwich.

THE END.

The Ghost of Corporate Future

2006-12-19T14:00:00.000Z

A man walks out of his apartment, it is raining, he's got no umbrella. He starts running beneath the awnings, trying to save his suit, trying to dry but no good.

When he gets to the crowded subway platform, he takes off both of his shoes. He steps right into somebody's fat loogie and everyone who sees him says, "Ew."

But he doesn't care, 'cause last night he got a visit from the Ghost of Corporate Future. The ghost said, "Take off both your shoes whatever chances you get, especially when they're wet."

He also said, "Imagine you go away on a business trip one day and when you come back home your children have grown and you never made your wife moan"

"And people make you nervous. You'd think the world is ending, and everybody's features have somehow started blending. And everything is plastic, and everyone's sarcastic, and all your food is frozen, it needs to be defrosted."

"You'd think the world was ending right now."

"Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee, and never ever watch the ten o'clock news, maybe you should kiss someone nice, or lick a rock, Or both."

"Maybe you should cut your own hair 'cause that can be so funny. It doesn't cost any money and it always grows back. Hair grows even after you're dead"

"And people are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous. The world is everlasting, It's coming and it's going. If you don't toss your plastic, the streets won't be so plastic. And if you kiss somebody, then both of you'll get practice."

"The world is everlasting . Put dirtballs in your pocket. And take off both your shoes. 'Cause people are just people. People are just people like you.

The world is everlasting. It's coming and it's going.

Confessions Of A Dying Drama Queen

2006-12-15T19:24:00.000Z

I need a project and I need one now.

But that's going to be easier said than done.

Blogging, I imagine, is very much like smoking. In that one day you just stop and you don't do it any more otherwise you get terribly addicted and write about the very dregs of your life. I hope you get comments. After stopping, you either go back to it and realise you missed it or you go back to it and feel very sick.

I like to write but I've run out of words.

How many wolves must die?

My hair looked funny on that video.

Anyway, yesterday in The Murderers I remember saying something like "six degrees of seperation." The Murderers is a weird name for a pub but whatever, I live near a place called Ghost Hill. It's a school for 4 to 7 year olds who apparently aren't freaked out by the name.

Anyway, none of that was important appart from the six degrees of seperation. I came up with a wicked idea to make a website where people can plot their chains of seperation but it turns out some 'smarter folk' already thought of it. Here. Eva Valles from Palma de Mallorca - Spain, consider yourself hunted!

Okay so there's a murderer in our midst and I'm not talking about me or the pub or anything like that but a proper Hooker Stalker seriel killer a la Zodiac but with less cryptic clues. I'll be honest, I haven't been following the case. But I noticed the book store newspapers said that the "Net is closing for killer" which took me a while to decode into Hamish language. (they're closing in on him). But anyway, while trying to find information about the case I realised that there wasn't any. The names of the victims have been released but that's about all. I smell me a conspiracy.

My friend said it would be cool if it was a Jack The Ripper copycat. Oh come on, you know what he meant.

Do you guys remember Spring Heeled Jack? If you don't, don't look up the story, I'm going to tell it to you one day.

Message.

2006-11-21T17:07:00.000Z

Everyone, today,

As for me approximately writing concerning even with something it cannot think. This that way the meaning of not having formed, that it seems the way, but. Note, that it can use try the fact if you pay attention. Concentrate. Think. Today, I intend to look at the life of many Cyberpunk. You do not understand perhaps, but, I thought of that I say. I it meaning that I will be boring, looked at life to be, with you think. In addition, I catch cold.

It was understood, it is that everything. Someone E-mail me. We speak mutually. Is that pleasant?

It probably will meet afterwards,
Adam.

Headache + Zen

2006-11-17T17:32:00.000Z

Today I saw an advert that said "How Many Wolves Must Die?"

It got me thinking. How many wolves must die? I decided in the end that it should only be the ones who are old. Otherwise there'd be way too many wolves. I mean, there'd be wolves in my bed and wolves in your bed. I love wolves and want to stroke them but I think that some of them need to die.

Also, there is such a thing as Cum Cum Disease. Guess what it does? Yes, exactly that... It's actually called persistent sexual arousal syndrome. I think it only exists in Japan but one woman said "When I got on the train one day, I could feel blood gushing toward a certain part of my body and it felt so good I almost let out a moan. It was sheer murder when everybody got pushed into the carriage."

Unfortunately, I hear it can kill you. There are worse ways to die.

I think a Zen name will help me study Zen. Get me in the right mindset. I am open to suggestions.

Camaroone

2006-11-13T20:26:00.000Z

I'm one lazy ass blogger.

I'm really warming to David Cameron though. Yeah, seriously. I don't care how good you are at leading, anyone who lets Donal Coonan make a video cast on your own website explaining how you went on a date with yourself when you met yourself in India gets my vote.

Policies schmolicies.

Also, I cut all my hairs off. It was getting in my eyes and I cut it off with a knife. Now they are all very short. In fact, my fringe barely touches my eyebrows. It's a weird feeling and I've yet to get used to it.

Also, nothing.

Movie

2006-11-09T11:32:00.000Z

Make sure you watch it all, it's not as repetitive as you may first think.

This movie is entitled. "Smile and sometimes eat, even if your hair looks funny."

It is intended to make you smile and sometimes eat, even if your hair has grown to an out of control mess. Soon, I will remove all the hairs.

NaNoWriMo

2006-11-08T10:56:00.000Z

Finally, i've started it.

The NaNoWriMo is underway. As you can see, I've changed the rules a little bit. I'd rather just write a novel instead of writing one in one month.

So it's a NoWri.

Guantanamo

2006-11-05T11:46:00.000Z

It's still very important to watch The Road to Guantanamo.

This time I'll link it up for you, so it's free. Watch it.

By The Way

2006-11-03T20:05:00.000Z

This blog deserves a bigger readership.

Work Units.

Is very entertaining. It includes the blogging return of Avery Cardoza, HitsHerMark, Steve Cronin, Firedrake, Unconchis, Tript, Cromwell and lots of other people who used to be/are still in Neurocam.

Except for me.

I didn't join ~~because I'm lazy~~ when I had the chance.

and Tript, who's actually been back for a few months...

Rabbit

2006-11-03T13:10:00.000Z

This is your short film of the day.

It's allegory, you see? Personal allegory.

Medal Time!

2006-11-02T19:46:00.000Z

That's right, a medal for everyone who didn't comment.

Including you!

Anway, enough of the bitterness.

Have you every thought to yourself that the stuff you have is the best? Do you look at your stuff and think "Dude, this is the best stuff in the world?" Because I sure as HELL do. But dude, how do you know for sure?

I'll tell you.

The Best Stuff In The World.

Utterly charming. Before I talk about it, before sure to laugh at their Registration page!

If your thick and don't get the jist of the concept just by reading the name, I will explain further. By taking everyones opinions on what the best stuff in the world actually is, then we can know for sure what the best stuff is. Now think, in your head, what is the best thing in the world?

If your thinking of oral sex then you're close, but you're not right. It's firefox.

Yep, antiseptic and love and water and all these things SUCK compared to firefox. According to this website. Then comes music, sleep and then finally boobs.

But just to put a few things in perspective, I'll tell you where many things rank compared to others.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S is better than love.
Pepsi is better than an hour of sex.
Cheese is better than Austria.
Austria is better than porn.
Seinfeld is better than Oral sex.
Oral sex is better than me.
Kindness is better than a knife.
A knife is better than atheism.
Heroin is better than sport.
War is better than Quietness.
Babies are better than Gays
Gays are better than the London Eye

Okay? By the way, here's my profile. Look at the picture I used! Yeah, it's my lips! But check out the list. Comprahensive or what?

C.G.O.T.I.

2006-10-30T10:59:00.000Z

= Coolest Game On The Internet

Acrowars.

Is as nerdy as it sounds. Play it! Play it! Play it!

Have you heard the news? A male contraceptive gel patch that "homes in on the testes." So far they're only tested it on rats and I don't want to be one of the humans that volunteers to test it on themselves. What if it made you grow another one?

Would that make you more fertile?

By the way, I was busted! I said that the BBS: Documentary was boring. Later that day, Jason Scott Sadofsky, maintainer of textfiles.net and creator of this particular film, left me a comment explaining that his documentary is not boring. He suggested that I torrent it. And I did... but I still haven't got round to watching it.

I recommend that you check it out though. Remember - it's not boring!

The day in fragments

2006-10-27T19:13:00.000+01:00

I downloaded Firefox 2 today. Everyone says it's awesome but am I the only one who thinks all browsers are much the same?

I was going to record spam e-mails as spoken word performances but I decided to buy my father a birthday present instead.

I found a wicked cool Zen garden which was in the shape of the yin yang. One half was sand, other half was rocks. My girlfriend raked the sand well but then unfortunately tried to rake the rocks too.

I found what may be the most boring documentary ever. It's called BBS: The Documentary. I am unfairly pre-judging it because I haven't seen it yet. But y'know... I really can't be bothered. Even if Wired Magazine decribed it as "Surprisingly Engrossing".

I have been feeling like everyone is talking about me when they actually aren't. I'm not sure whether it's narcissism or paranoia.

I am staying in tonight because I never stay in on a Friday.

South Park creaters Trey Parker and Matt Stone thought it would be cool to put Steve Irwin in one of their cartoons. Fair enough, but critics didn't like the idea of him being portrayed quite like this.

The all time mystery/scam/mystery site Hell.com is being sold. If anyone has ever been on the site, that's enough to make you want to own it. It is predicted that it will sell for over one million dollars.

I usually have three cups of coffe in one day, but I replaced my second with a cup of lemsip because my throat hurt.

It hurt because I was trying to sing songs by I Am The Avalanche, whos singer appears to have a higher vocal range than me.

Billy Talent are having an awesome tour where they are being supported by Anti-Flag and Rise Against. I want to go but those dudes aren't coming anywhere near my country.

Professor Costas Efthimiou thinks it is worthwhile to scientifically disprove the existance of ghosts, vampires, werewolves and other such cyrptids. Apparently his attempt is newsworhty because of "American gullibility for the supernatural."

Im local news, a pub is reopening... Our local headlines are quaint. There is one page which shows all the headlines. I hope you don't mind if I quote two of my favourite:

Foot-and-mouth disease alert
27 October 2006 09:31
Foot-and-mouth ruled out
27 October 2006 11:42

The EDP are always on the ball. Close call though.

This was on Digg as the worst idea ever. I half agree, but much of me finds it endearing.

That is all.

Penguins

2006-10-26T19:45:00.000+01:00

The best part of having a blog is having no one comment on it.

Seriously world, keep it up.

I went to the zoo two days ago! If you like animals, I highly recommend it. I went with my girlfriend who broke her foot last time she went so I insisted on seeing it all.

I was still undecided about the ethics of zoos before I went. In a way I guess I thought that a good zoo is like the utopia that humans could only dream of. Complete with no threats, diseases or famines. These zoo animals even have their own gods in the form of zoo-workers. You can't say that about anywhere else in the world.

And sure, most of the animals are happy with it but you can never give a white tiger enough space. You could seeing the grass worn away in the grass where the cheetah walked up and down in a line all day. Those big cats, you can see their bordom. So I freed them! You probably saw it on the news.

Giraffes bloody love it. Snakes can't believe their luck and the monkeys had a pretty sweet set up. Chimpanzees are disgusting by the way, even dogs are cleaner than those "intelligent mammals". Whatever, there's some pretty cute animals in the world.

So all in all, I'm undecided. But ethics aside, it was fun. I think you appreciate Zoos more when you're older. When you're a kid you're just excitied to be looking at something through a pane of glass, but when you're older you can be boring enough to enjoy looking at an animal. If you're lucky, you'll know something about the animal and you can tell you person you're with and they'll think you're clever.

BY THE WAY!

I'm pretty happy about being described as a "host" instead of a "blogger." That's way cool.

ALSO!

Why is it only now that I'm starting to dig My Chemical Romance? I guess it was because it took me this long to embrace that annoying theatrical stuff they do. And I was very impressed that they could get a gothic punk emo like song to number 1 in the charts. It'll never beat that really wicked song though. I think it was called Ghost Of You. Whatever.

Word Games

2006-10-25T20:05:00.001+01:00

So I've got the choice between watching Rob Schneider's "The Animal" or messing around with the internet. I've made my choice and I stick by it. I invented a word game.

Check it out.

You get one word, then you enter it into dictionary.com. Then you take the definition and subsequently define each of the words of the previous definition to make a long decription of the first word.

Par Example: "Not any particular or certain one of a class or group experiencing deep meaning of great and broadly inclusive significance which is easily moved to sympathy or compassion expressing, showing, or marked by intense or strong feeling, emotional fond attachment or devotion with the object or purpose of a person other than oneself or the one specified a human being, whether man, woman, or child."

Yeah man, can you guess what the word was? That's right, it was "love". See, this a game for the whole family!

Okay okay, how about: "A certain or particular animal of the family Canidae, including the wolves, jackals, hyenas, coyotes and foxes caused to feel comfortable at home which can reproduce in a large or considerable number of different types of things, esp. ones in the same general category."

Yeah man, the answer was "dog!" See, we're having fun already. We'll do one more.

Here we go: "The being, person, thing, or individual instance or member of a number, kind, group, or category indicated which is the highest in rank or authority in absolute existence in a complete or perfect state, lacking no essential characteristic. Also the person or thing that creates in addition to being the a person who rules or governs the totality of known or supposed objects and phenomena throughout space, the cosmos and the macrocosm."

That was "god" which is kinda similar to dog really...

I hope you all had fun.

Word Games

2006-10-25T20:05:00.000+01:00

So I've got the choice between watching Rob Schneider's "The Animal" or messing around with the internet. I've made my choice and I stick by it. I invented a word game.

Check it out.

You get one word, then you enter it into dictionary.com. Then you take the definition and subsequently define each of the words of the previous definition to make a long decription of the first word.

Par Example: "Not any particular or certain one of a class or group experiencing deep meaning of great and broadly inclusive significance which is easily moved to sympathy or compassion expressing, showing, or marked by intense or strong feeling, emotional fond attachment or devotion with the object or purpose of a person other than oneself or the one specified a human being, whether man, woman, or child."

Yeah man, can you guess what the word was? That's right, it was "love". See, this a game for the whole family!

Okay okay, how about: "A certain or particular animal of the family Canidae, including the wolves, jackals, hyenas, coyotes and foxes caused to feel comfortable at home and which can reproduce in a large or considerable number of different types of things, esp. ones in the same general category."

Yeah man, the answer was "dog!" See, we're having fun already. We'll do one more.

Here we go: "The being, person, thing, or individual instance or member of a number, kind, group, or category indicated which is the highest in rank or authority in absolute existence in a complete or perfect state, lacking no essential characteristic. Also the person or thing that creates in addition to being the a person who rules or governs the totality of known or supposed objects and phenomena throughout space, the cosmos and the macrocosm."

That was "god" which is kinda similar to dog really...

I hope you all had fun.

It's mooning

2006-10-24T22:17:00.000+01:00

My firefox weather report informs me that the moon is out.

Good to see everything running like clockwork.

Mystery = Solved Squared

2006-10-21T15:06:00.000+01:00

Now we all know Robert Henley. Mysterious ex-leader of myserious organisation and member of their mysterious overlords.

But what don't you know about Robert Henley.

Let me show you. This is actor Jason Lee portraying Azrael the demon in Kevin Smiths movie, Dogma.

Charming guy, good actor, plays Earl Hickey in that show about karma. And if you look at his head you'll see he has horns, meaning that Jason Lee is probably a real demon.

Here we see Robert Henley in a clip from the movie Who Is Robert Henley?

Charming guy, good actor, owns an international secret organisation. And if you look closely you will see some similarities between Robert Henley and Jason Lee. One, they are wearing the same suit. Two, they use the same gun. Three, they have the same face. And four, these two photos were taken in the same place.

I know this may be a lot to take in, but what I am about to tell you is the truth. Robert Henley is in fact a rogue demon by the name of Jason Lee.

So now that you know this, you'll be wondering what you can use to stop him from destroying the world as we know it. Well exorcism rituals are effective but can take ages. I recommend using any form of weapon from bullets to baseball bats, just make sure they've been blessed. If a weapon isn't available then use any blessed object but be sure it makes enough of an impact against his demon skin to cause him to die.

Be alert!

Y'know...

2006-10-20T11:42:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling quite megegaltastic today! [pass it on!]

The torture never ~~fucking~~ really ends! Check it out:

I know! That amounts to a mass of 4 cuts on my body that may end in scarring. This one was done opening a bottle of wine. In theory, this should not injure you. But hey, I tried my best... But it makes me sad.

Anyway! Anyway! That's the last photo of my lips for a while.

Last night during lager and cigars (really, cigars!) me and my compadre Luke decided to start a documentary series. We don't have much to document yet, but we have one idea that similar to Supersize Me except we're going to take up and then subsequently quit cigarets... Not sure how that's going to play out. But we'll soon see!

But first we need a domain and a catchy name... What should I call it?

Lip Pride

2006-10-19T18:33:00.000+01:00

I don't know why I only show you that part of my face. It's not like you don't know what I look like. So I guess it must be some sort of proudness re: my lips. I was just showing you my scar, too bad you can't see it. Look, I even started holding the two skin-flaps together with one of those sterile sticky strips that nurses have. My girlfriend kindly provided me with 5 of them.

I think the hardest thing about having a raw cut on your chin is that you are forced to grow some sort of hair. This is gonna looks pretty silly on me, I assure you.

Anyway, away from my cut, yesterday we tried playing our entire first album acoustically despite never having played/practiced the songs in that way before. A couple of them sounded great but others were just ebarrassing. I don't recommend coming to our show if we ever do that again.

Also, a working invisibilty cloak has been invented. Awesome, huh?

Skarma

2006-10-18T12:03:00.000+01:00

How cool does that look?

Actually, this plaster looks better than the other 3. This bitch wouldn't stop bleeding. But there is no way to make a fat cut on your chin look cool. The cool thing to do would be to let it bleed all over my face and pretend that I don't care. But that's messy and I like this shirt.

I got this small but annoying injury just before an attempt to something very stupid involving a slippery slope, an unstable vessel and a tarmac landing. If imagine that this stunt would have actually hurt less than the cut. But that's karma for you.

So in the name in unlikely injury I present you with this odds and statistic. Please injoy.

Odds of injury from shaving: 6,585 to 1
Odds of injury from using a chain saw: 4,464 to 1
Odds of drowning in a bathtub: 685,000 to 1
Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
Odds of being struck by lightning: 576,000 to 1
Odds of being killed by lightning: 2,320,000 to 1
Odds of being murdered: 18,000 to 1
Odds of getting away with murder: 2 to 1
Odds of being considered possessed by Satan: 7,000 to 1
Odds of getting hemorrhoids: 25 to 1
Odds of being on plane with a drunken pilot: 117 to 1
Odds of a meteor landing on your house: 182,138,880,000,000 to 1
Chance of dying from any kind of injury during the next year: 1 in 1,820
Chance of dying from intentional self-harm: 1 in 9,380
Chance of dying from an assault: 1 in 16,421
Chance of dying from any kind of fall: 1 in 20,666
Chance of dying in an explosion: 1 in 107,787
Chance of dying from a mountain lion attack in California: 1 in 32,000,000
Chance that Earth will experience a catastrophic collision with an asteroid in the next 100 years: 1 in 5,000
Chance of dying in such a collision: 1 in 20,000
Chance of dying from choking on food: 1 in 370,035
Chance of dying from legal execution: 1 in 3,441,325
Chance of dying from contact with hot tap water: 1 in 5,005,564
Chance of having a stroke: 1 in 6
Chance of developing schizophrenia: 1 in 100
Chance of contracting the human version of mad cow disease: 1 in 40,000,000
Chance of getting prostate cancer: 1 in 6
Chance of getting breast cancer: 1 in 9
Chance of getting colon / rectal cancer: 1 in 26
Chance of beating pancreatic or liver cancer: 1 in 9
Chance of dying from SARS in the United States: 1 in 100,000,000
Chance of dying from a shark attack: 1 in 300,000,000
Chance of developing cancer in you lifetime: 1 in 3

So there you have it. Worry about flying or swimming all you like, you're probably just going to get cancer.

Dreamer-nalysis

2006-10-16T15:19:00.000+01:00

Want to hear my freaky dream slash nightmare?

Okay, cool. It goes like this.

In the dream, I was the little known actorMichael Emerson in third person. In that I was aware that Michael Emerson was me, although I wasn't looking through his eyes. In the dream we weren't an actor, we were just a guy. Anyway, myself and another man whos face I didn't see were about to undertake a stunt in which we would be handcuffed and and placed in a box for several weeks. Food and water etc would be provided. The dream started as the handcuffs were placed on us. The box had enough room for two men to lie down, we were top and tale. The box was transparent on all sides but the floor all the face on my left, which was actually attached to the wall.

As the lid closed on our box, which in hindsight was about the size of a coffin, I sat up (although the dimensions of the box would in theory make this impossible) and started talking and joking with the other man. I noticed a gold tube starting to protrude from the wall and inch closer to the other mans head. And then it shot him, and I screamed or something. For some reason, I had come to the conclusion that I was part of a Saw like experience in which I was now trapped in a glass coffin with a corpse attached to my wrist.

The dream then skips forward a bit. The glass coffin is open and then is a man standing over Me/Emmerson (still in third person). The corpse that is witch me is now black and rotting and sort of... all over me. The mysterious new man says I can leave if I eat some of the body.

Then I think my Holy-Crap-O-Metre told me to wake the hell up before I dream something that I'll regret.

But what does this dream mean? What does thisDrean!? I'll tell you... Actually, I've just analysed it and now I don't want to tell you.

Sorry.

Hawking Says So

2006-10-15T18:19:00.000+01:00

"The survival of the human race depends on its ability to find new homes elsewhere in the universe because there's an increasing risk that a disaster will destroy Earth."

Apparently that's true. Stephen Hawking says it's true anyway and he knows a lot of things. He knows a lot about space... and time. He also says that we need to colonise The Moon and then Mars

""Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster, such as sudden global warming, nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or other dangers we have not yet thought of."

I'm rooting for the virus. Man made disasters seem like the most obvious way for us to go. What with everyone racing for power, one country will definately end up using a virus as a weapon honestly believing that they are in control. However, the dangers that we have not thought of does cover a lot more possibilites.

However, other great minds say it's probably easier to build underground bases in Antarctica. Come on, I don't want to live underground! It's all about the Moon!

Woof

2006-10-13T11:51:00.000+01:00

This is Cat. Say hello, Cat! He loves the camera.

Tale From A Homeless

2006-10-12T16:43:00.000+01:00

While standing outside Po Na Na I was approached by a familiar homeless lady. She has a nice Scottish accent and always wishes you well if you don't decline her request for spare change. See, she's not a passive beggar sitting on the floor, she walks around as people exit the club and asks them for change.

Anyway, I find it hard no to talk to the homeless. Their stories are at least 5 times more interesting than anyones who ownes a home. This lady, I will call her Claire because we've never exchanged names, was telling me about the events of her last week.

She'd just been up to Glasgow, her home town. Glasgow isn't a pleasant place. There's a lot of crime there, and a high homicide rate. You know the deal. As it happens, her "parter" had been incarcerated Barlinnie prison. Apparently a very corrupt place, just look at Governer Bill McKinlay, I've never seen a man I distrust more from just a headshot. Anyway, that's not important, I'm sure Bill is a very nice man. Claire's partner had just served his 4 year sentence and was being held at a probation house. Hooray for him!

Claire's partner was sick of prison and sick of crime, or so Claire said. So from now on, he was on the straight and narrow. Crime doesn't pay et cetera... So when his assigned room mate and ex-drug addict/dealer asked to borrow some money, Claire's parter stood his damn ground. "No way, you're going to spend it on drugs. I don't want to be involed." He probably said.

After a heated argument, his room mate pretended to understand. An uneasy truce, especially in a Glasgow Probation House, right? Normally, this is not the time or place to leave your drink unattended. But hey, there's no way you can get any poison inside those gates. Or at least, not very easily. Either way, the room mate didn't need posion.

When Claire's partner went to the bathroom his drink was spiked with liquid paracetamol. Which he was allergic to. He choked and died.

The weird thing is about that kind of culture, there was no way that the killer would ever have gotten away with it. In fact, I don't believe he intended to. But he'd just got out of prison and he was so willing to send himself back inside. Claire had just been up to Glasgow to bury her partner. She's going up again today for the trial. They say there's so much DNA evidense that the killer doesn't stand a chance.

It must suck to be a homeless lady with a dead ex-criminal for a lover. It's a shame too, that I don't own the proper tone of voice to deal with people who have been through something like this . I replied along the lines of "...*sigh* Dammit."

I hope I see her next week, she said she'd tell me what happens.

Duck House

2006-10-11T17:29:00.000+01:00

2006-10-10T11:19:00.000+01:00

the weather man says there's fog here but there aint no fog here.

Feline

2006-10-09T13:36:00.000+01:00

If I had a cat, I'd want him to be ugly. That way, everyone would love him the most. I don't think there's such thing as an ugly kitten. The uglier they look, the more you want to tickle their noses.

I'm going to call my cat David Spade and I will make sure that he is ugly. Not that David Spade is a particularly ugly man, I just think the names suites an ugly cat. However, I can tell you that if David Spade was a cat then he would look very much like this.

Distubing, I know. Maybe if my cat was that ugly then I'd like him less...

Path To My Sorcery

2006-10-08T18:39:00.000+01:00

As stolen from someone else.

Hey wow, I feel so faint... Shit. Okay but never mind, that's not important.

Anyway, I found someone elses Chaos Magick guide. This is something I have taken up so I can say it either works or does not instead of being a sceptic or a naysayer. So... y'know, I already have a couple of texts but I figured I'd follow this short set of bullets because it makes a lot of sense.

Read Liber Null and Prometheus Rising
Read the collected works of AO Spare
Read everything by Jan Fries and Phil Hine
Practice sigil magic
Practice trace states
Practice sorcery
Learn about dynamic systems theory, catastophe theory and strange attractors
Build your own models
Practice what you preach
Develop your own sorcery

It's not water-tight by any means, but I can patch over those gaps. It will serve as a good guide. It looks kinda easier said than done though. Number one is "Read Liber Null." Awesome! Except it sure isn't sold in this city!

Damn you Borders.

It was hard enough to find Condensed Chaos...

Maybe one of you wants to like... mail me a copy?

We're The Counter Culture!

2006-10-06T19:48:00.000+01:00

And we don't care about anything!

"North Korea has announced that it will be testing its first nuclear weapon. That's not funny, just scarey as hell." said Ze Frank. CNN said something along the same lines. Woah, kinda scarey huh? Where's Team America when you need them? There's a lot going on with Nuclear Weapons, so much so that I've decided to capitalise the term. ~~Everyone~~ The President of the USA said that Iran are probably going to blow us up and they denied it for ages, he didn't mention North Korea and now Iran are opening their Nuclear Plants to the public to prove that it's for energy and not weapons. North Korea on the other hand, are still not considered to be a "mainstream threat."

Dude everything is backwards!

Anyway, enough of serious stuff. We're too cool for that, right? Right. But no one is too cool for music. With my help you can be one of those god-awful music nerds who only listens to music that isn't popular yet.

I've been meaning to write about Pandora Radio for ages. Type in the band you like and then it plays all kinda of music like it. And music from the bands themselves of course. It's way handy if you just wanna listen to music. Useless if you want to hear a certain band or song. Dig? Good. Bye!

Underated Or Something

2006-10-05T16:33:00.000+01:00